FORMER QUOTES OF THE MOMENT

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of - Jane Austen

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally - Abraham Lincoln (or war - or genocide - or a pile of stuff - Colin)

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important - Martin Luther King Jr.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators - PJ O'Rourke

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. - Laurence J. Peter

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - John Benfield

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites' - Larry Hardiman

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one - Socratex

Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards - William Arthur Ward

Lord, how the day passes! It is like a life, so quickly when we don't watch it, and so slowly if we do - John Steinbeck

If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do things worth writing -- Benjamin Franklin

Not choice But habit rules the unreflecting herd - Wm. Wordsworth

Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children - Sam Austin

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant - Henry Miller

The time for action is now. It's never too late to do something - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

What's the difference between education and experience? If you read the instructions, you have education. If you don't read the instructions, you WILL get experience. (as anyone who has tried 'self-assembly' furniture will know only too well)

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch - Robert Orben

"To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions." Benjamin Franklin

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone - Al Capone

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is - Yogi Berra

Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas - Anon

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III

People are like trees. Some are destined to be pillars; others are destined to be toilet paper - Anon

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted - Jerome Blattner

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. -- Carl Jung

If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else - Laurence J. Peter

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it - Andre Gide

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing - Sir Arnold Bax

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather - Michael Pritchard

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all

A small town is someplace where everybody knows whose whiskey is good, and whose wife isn't - Socratex

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion -- Abraham Lincoln (attributed)

When I do good, I feel good; when I am bad, I am better, and that is my religion -- Mae West (attributed)

The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor' -- Hal Eaton

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought - Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

There is nothing common about sense - anon

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things - Rene Descartes

In primitive society, when privileged members dressed funky, beat the ground with clubs and yelled and screamed, it was called witchcraft; today, it is called golf - anon

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing - Dave Barr

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person - P. J. O'Rourke

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them - Mark Twain

Playing it safe is a risky business

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynn Lavner

Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered - Al Capp

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. - Anon

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. -- P. J. O'Rourke

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - anon

Commonplace minds usually condemn what is beyond the reach of their understanding - Francois LaRochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God - Lenny Bruce

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it - Jimmy Demaret

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself - Sir Richard Francis Burton

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a set of bagpipes - Socratex

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days - Daniel Boone

I have nothing against jogging, as long as it is done by bouncy cuties. Let's go find some! -- Hagar

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. -- Frank Zappa

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. -- Tallulah Bankhead

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. - P.J. O Rourke

I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises - Neil Armstrong

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss

Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content -- Louis L'Amour

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it -- Mary Engelbreit

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is aiming about 10 inches too high. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Winston Churchill

Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor -- Laurence J. Peter

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong

It's not the pace of life that worries me, it's the sudden stop at the end. -- Goethe

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally - W.C. Fields

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Doctor Who

"The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity." -- George Bernard Shaw

Nurture your mind with great thoughts; to believe in the heroic makes heroes - Rizla

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you. -- Kin Hubbard

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. -- C. P. Snow

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. -- Robert Heinlein

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor

To be rich is not to have the most, but to need the least. -- Socrates

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. -- P. J. O'Rourke

The best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination - anon

If Santa only gives presents to good boys and girls - why does Anne Summers do so well at Christmas? - Colin

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you really make them think, they'll hate you. -- Don Marquis

Life is unpredictable but death is certain - anon

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. - Andre Gide

It's not premarital sex unless you plan on getting married - anon

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night. -- Charlie Brown in Peanuts

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future." --Richard Jeni

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place - Billy Crystal

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane. -- Herman Hesse

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. -- Oscar Wilde

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." - Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive, if your car could go straight upwards." -- Sir Fred Hoyle

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash - Jerry Seinfeld.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. -- E. V. Lucas

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -- George Burns

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint Exupery

Think of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig committed - Martina Navratilova (describing the difference between involvement and commitment)

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life - Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign)

By definition, a government has no conscience, sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more. --Albert Camus (philosopher & goal-keeper)

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff - Mariah Carey

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable - Oscar Wilde

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word - Charles De Gaulle

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -- Anon

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet." - Oliver Herford

"The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun." Ellen DeGeneres

Half of all people use the Internet, and the other half of the people have sex with a live partner - Jay Leno

There is no woman you don't want to have sex with, just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with. - Anon

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." - Edgar Wallace.

"What luck for the rulers that men do not think." Adolf Hitler

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. -- Oscar Wilde

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. -- Anon

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. -- James Thurber

"I make money using my brains and lose money listening to my heart. But in the long run my books balance pretty well." -- Kate Seredy (1899-1975)

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields

Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry. --Anon

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." --Mark Twain

"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents." -- G. C. Lichtenberg

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. -- Indira Gandhi

 God must love stupid people; he made so many.- Unknown

"I offer neither pay, nor quarters, nor food; I offer only hunger, thirst, forced marches, battles and death. Let him who loves his country with his heart, and not merely with his lips, follow me." —Giuseppe Garibaldi

"People look at you kind of funny when you walk down the street naked with a gun" (Unknown)

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult --Rita Rudner

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown

All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife -- Daniel Boone

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? - Bumper Sticker

Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology -- Clive James

(the University Graduate's mantra - "would you like fries with that")

You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building their nest on it. -- Anon

"Every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart" - Ebeneezer Scrooge

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. -- Fran Lebowitz

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. -- Farmers' Almanac, 1978

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed." -- Bruce Lee